literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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