mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
