erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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