My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
