with your own penis?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
