I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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