It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize