Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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