**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
