He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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