a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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