HIV tests are more positive than that guy
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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