I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize