if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Success! We fucked roommates!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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