Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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