I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
