Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I FOUND THE LEGS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
