My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
