i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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