I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
