Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
