she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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