It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
