Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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