party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
