after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
