my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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