You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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