So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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