My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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