I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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