I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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