Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
