Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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