I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
