i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize