We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
