Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I stole a fireplace last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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