My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
