fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
