she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
