my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm bleeding and have questions
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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