think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
