Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
