yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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