Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
