Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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