It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
