i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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