My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
