theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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