So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Your dad touched me again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
