Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
