Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You were trust falling into bushes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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