proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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