Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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