So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
