Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
