His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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