You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
