Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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