If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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