this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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