he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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