Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
