He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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