I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
