I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
