I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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