we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
