atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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