i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
