During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
