Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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