i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
