I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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