I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
